2023

It's the last day of the year.

12.31.23

It's ending with gratitude.

2023 was not kind. 2023 was not glamorous.  2023 was not particularly fun.

It had it's little moments, but it was mostly filled with chaos, shock, grief, anxiety...

It was also filled with Jesus, hope, grace, forgiveness, faith, trust, great friendships, family and the most painfully rewarding of all:  growth; spiritual and otherwise.

I've never lived one day at a time like I have in 2023.  I don't see that changing in 2024.

One. Day. At. A. Time. We go into 2024.

At least 2024 has an extra day.   366 days to take One. At. A. Time.  

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

Romans 5:3-5

This verse has been the verse in 2023.  It will be my verse for 2024.   

2023 taught me that I can do my best today; and tomorrow is for tomorrow.

2023 taught me that I can do hard things.

2023 taught me that I cannot control others.

2023 taught me that I cannot take life for granted.

2023 taught me that I can because He can.

2023 taught me to love better.

2023 taught me to pray better.

2023 taught me to be grateful

2023 showed me who my friends are.

2023 showed me who my family are.

2023 showed me what it means to have Jesus carry you from one day to another when you have no idea what is ahead.

My prayer for you is that you will be able to face your challenges in 2024 with the confidence that in Jesus, you can take them on, you will grow and learn; you will be stronger and better off for them.  

God bless you, your family and your life in 2024!

Truth at 1 a.m.

 

Can't sleep.  Feeling unwell.  The stirring in my heart stirs.

Pondering TRUTHS at 1 o'clock in the morning.

What is THE truth?

Some terms that need defining so my thought process can make sense:

• Truth (noun):  The quality or state of being true;  That which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.
• Fact (noun):  a thing that is known or proved to be true.
• Opinion (noun): a view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
• Discernment (noun):  The ability to judge well.
• Ability (noun):  talent, skill or proficiency (high degree of competence; expertise) in a particular area.
• Feelings (plural noun):  an emotional state or reaction.
• Resilient (adjective): able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions; able to recoil or spring back into shape after bending, stretching, or being compressed.

 

The world has two truths:  THE truth and YOUR truth.

THE truth is fact.

YOUR truth is opinion.

Discernment is an ability. That means it is learned, developed and practiced.  Being practiced means that one should have met truth and untruth and sought knowledge and understanding in various forms over a period of time.  In order to judge well, one must be exposed to real truths and sought knowledge and understanding about those truths.

“Feeling like a million bucks” doesn’t actually mean you are a pile of paper with numbers on it.  Neither does it mean that you are worth a million male deer. Neither does it mean that you are worth a million dollars.  If so, I would like to know the currency.  A million yen is 13,500 Belize dollars. Specifying the type of buck matters.

Feelings do not determine if a fact is true or not.

Sometimes, facts tend to trigger unhappy feelings.  Facts can be harsh.  “The truth hurts” sometimes.

We do not like hurt. We do not like facts when they hurt. But we can build resilience when there is hurt.

Truth. REAL TRUTH. Fosters growth: resilience.

Truth. REAL TRUTH. Fosters knowledge and understanding: discernment.

Resilience, like discernment, is an ability.  It is learned, developed and practiced.  You have met hard truths and sought to overcome harshness time and time again.  In order to spring back, you had to have been pulled back, pushed back, held back.

Accepting opinions as fact does not foster discernment. Opinions fog the lens of discernment.

Accepting opinions as fact does not foster resilience.  Opinions hinder resilience.

I encourage you to look for real truth. THE truth. Facts.

Learn to discern what is fact, what is opinion.

The truth hurts sometimes but just because it doesn’t match your feelings, or makes you “feel” sad, it does not mean that it is not true.

Not all things that make you “feel” happy are true either.

That’s why it is important to practice Resilience and Discernment.

 

The thing about truth that I find cool is that a truth does not stop being true because somebody says it is, or because somebody does not understand it, or because somebody doesn't like it.

1 + 1 is 2, even if someone “feels” like it should be 8. 

Truth is robust. Unshakable. Fearless. Truth does not change.

The sun rises in the east and sets in the west.  We can trust truth. It is consistent, constant, never changing, never failing.

 

I hold on to this truth:

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6

Surface People

I was washing dishes when I saw a picture in my mind and a swell of words, emotions and thoughts consumed me all at once.  One of those Aha! moments that had to be captured before it flew away.

A big blue ocean.  A person swimming on the surface.  The depths below that went from a bright blue and gradually got darker...to a deep navy - not quite black but almost.

My heart struck.

Surface People.

On the surface, we can't see the fish.  Sometimes they come up and we see a couple kinds.  Dolphins grace us with a fantastic performance of leaps and splashes!  Quite entertaining.  But it happens at the surface.  They don't live their lives there.  They just show up from time to time.  The surface people can know of such a thing as a dolphin because they come to them - not the other way around.  Also, the surface is comfortable.

A Curious Surface Person gets some gear - a pair of snorkel goggles- he can see what's immediately beneath the surface.  

Oh! That's what that looks like.. You can see some of the glimmer of light that pass through the surface.  You can maybe see some fish.  Based on the depth of your current location and your lung capacity, you can dive a bit deeper and see a bit more.  But you must come back to the surface.  You're back at the surface but you are now aware that there is more to see than just the dolphins that come up sometimes.  There's more to the big blue water than you can see - from the surface.

Our curious Surface Person acquires better gear.  We have scuba gear.  

This lets us dive deeper, stay longer, learn more.  We can see the life the dolphins have before and after their gymnastic displays on the surface.  We can see so much more.  We learn so much more.  But we must still come back to the surface.  

At the surface, there's other surface people.  They are quite content with being on the surface.  The thought of what is beneath them has never crossed their minds.  They just enjoy the dolphin show when it comes.  They enjoy the whale tail splashes when that comes along.  Our curious surface person...starts to talk about the things he's learned about what's going on under the surface.  Some of the other surface people don't believe him.  After all, you can't believe what you cannot see, imagine or understand.  Some ask questions and are interested in getting their own snorkel goggles to at least get a glimpse of some of this depth beneath the surface.  Some don't even pay attention; too busy looking at the dolphins because that's all there is to know.

Our Curious Surface Person acquires a submarine.  

After all, the scuba gear can only let you go so deep.  What's there beyond that?  He's curious...so he goes.  He finds that in the deep depths there is so much more to see.  The systems from surface to depth and all in between all have a greater purpose.  The deeper he goes, the greater the psi, and so is a greater awareness of the prospect of more unknowns.  You only know this if you decide to go deeper. You won't know this if your world is just as big as the surface and does not consider the idea of depth.  

Anyway, our Curious Surface Person in his submarine has found fish with lights, giant octopuses, squid, crustaceans - that look rather different from the kind on reef level.  Some of these creatures are beyond imagination! 

 But, alas!  Even in a submarine, our Curious Surface Person must come back to the surface.  At the surface, he tells the tales of that fish with a light bulb on his head!  He uses it to lure other fish in the darkness to eat. Lies!  He's making that up!  Say some.  IMPOSSIBLE!  Say others.  A few say Tell me more.

We're all surface people.  Doesn't matter what gear you have you still must come to the surface.  But we can be surface people with a greater awareness of what's below.  We can be surface people who talk to those who have been to the depths and learn from them.  We can get snorkel gear and talk to those with scuba gear.  We're all at different places in our experience with depth.

What struck me was when I thought about relating with others who have no gear and those with better gear than I have.  

This term: Hydro-Static Pressure

The average surface person doesn't know what that means.  He may know how to pronounce it after a fumble with phonetics.

The snorkel gear guy has heard of this but hasn't really experienced it since he can't go that deep anyway that it would affect him.  It's "that thing that happens when you get deeper".  A general idea of what it is.

The scuba gear guy.  He had to have training to know what could go wrong with his body if he's ignorant about Hydro-static Pressure.  He might can't dive again for a while if he is not careful.  He has more than just a general idea of what it means.

The submarine guy.  Well, he knows how to calculate this stuff.  He knows why, how, and can make informed decisions about things because he has the most knowledge about Hydro-static pressure. He knows all there is to know about HSP.  He doesn't even need to say the whole thing.  He just calls it HSP.

It's important for us to know what gear we have and how much we know- or don't know - because of it.  The submarine guy knows what he knows.  He knows it because he wondered about what happens when the dolphins are done with the show, while you're waiting on the surface for the next show to start, completely unaware of the depths of knowledge, wisdom and understanding beneath the surface.  To these Surface People, the surface means so much more. The dolphin display has greater meaning, the whale tail splashes are grander, and the different shades of blue in the ocean speak so much more to him than just - blue.  Be curious, my friends.  Get the proper gear.

The Mootz that Scootz

I made a promise to you a long time ago, a promise to update you on my story book writing venture.  I haven't made an update on it but that doesn't mean the venture died.  I actually 'published' one of the projects some months ago and had the first copy hand delivered to the inspiration of that story.  The story of the Mootz that scootz.

The Mootz that Scootz is a short (very short) story about a little girl named Mootz.  She had no teeth. She couldn't walk.  And then she does.

Here's how the final product turned out:
(if you're on a computer, click on the first picture and a gallery pops up for you to view the rest)

  

                                         

                                

I drew every picture, scanned them, photoshopped them, put them together, bought fancy paper from the printery, printed them, bound them and made the hardcover by hand.  All by myself.  It was very much fun!

Little Cousins

As the eldest of four kids and neighbour to my aunt, I spent a lot of time with my little cousins, Gelzy, Mamita and Bidinky.  They feel a lot more like siblings, actually - only better because you can give them back!  I bathed them, changed them, put them to sleep, burped them; just like I did my own little brothers. In fact, Mamita used to wake up at 6:00 am, get out of her crib, walk out her front door, walk through the gate to our yard, walk up our front porch, bang on the door and yell at the top of her lungs: "FAHLEESYAH!" *bang* *bang* *bang* "FAHLEESYAH!".  My mom would open the door, Mamita would march through the living room and into my bedroom, climb on my bed and snuggle with me. That memory always makes me smile.

Gelzy (L) and Mamita (R)

For countless times I stayed over to babysit while my Uncle and Aunt went on date nights.  It was fun.
 Everything's more fun in someone else's house when you're 15.

Anyway, these little cousins of mine had very strange, noteworthy habits to keep in mind.  Mamita, for instance, started the night off sleeping parallel to me, on the left,  then perpendicular to me; for a while her foot would be in my face or positioned so that it's dislocating my liver. Somehow, in the morning, she'd end up on the right side of me, parallel.  I never got much rest on those babysitting nights. :)

This was a regular thing until I started University and my little sister (who wasn't so little by that time) took over.

One weekend, Bidinky (the littlest cousin), decided she missed me enough to sleep over at my house.  I had to wake up at 3:00am to take the bus that left for the West at 4:00am.  We went to bed around 9:00.  I didn't get much rest but I learned that Bidinky's sleeping habits surpassed those of her older sister.

Lee Bidinky

Bidinky was two, and small.  I had a double bed.  All night, I was squished in the most uncomfortable position in the furthest corner of my bed.  Bidinky was all over the place.  Mamita moves around you....Bidinky chases you away.

When I would drift into some kind of REM cycle, I'd wake up with a jolt to Bidinky yelling: "Gimme, da mines!"   "Da my ball, Randy!"   "GIMME! DA MINES!"

Translation?  Best I could figure was that she was dreaming that Mamita had her ball and she wanted it back.  Same dream for a few hours.  Same crisis.  Randy. Ball. Gimme.

3:00am came.  I was no more rested than I was when I went to bed.  Bidinky was still asleep when I left.  But that's another one of those memories that I remember with a smile.

Those kiddos. When I think of them, I always remember them as little and  I'm surprised at how much they've grown every time I see them.  Gelzy is getting closer and closer to High School, Mamita just had her Confirmation and Bidinky's once chubby cheeks aren't so chubby anymore.  They're growing up but they will always be my little baby cousins. ♥

Imagine Blank

I wrote the following when I was sick a couple weeks ago.  It's a trip into my train of thought.  I thought it would be interesting to write things down as fast as I could think them.  I'm sure I missed a few of the rabbit trails but I got the main trails down I think.  ~Fel

- - - - - - - -  •  ♥  •  - - - - - - - -

Imagine.

Imagine what?

Imagine blank.

I imagine blank.  Hmm. Also the name of one of my new favourite YouTube channels.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know where I'm going.

I just know that I'm here..

Right now.  And right now this is what's in my brain....

• I am sick. *cough* *cough*
• I wish I had written all the things that I daydreamed about blogging when I was daydreaming about them.
• I miss my cat.
• I have a new cat.  He is cute and I will enjoy getting to understand his little kitty brain.
• I'm scared to raise kids in a place where the school budget ain't got no money for computer lessons but there's millions for the roads.
• I'm thankful for a wonderful husband who takes care of me even when I won't take care of myself.
• I'm thankful for the few friends I have because they are real.  None of that fake stuff you can buy with cool clothes and superficial smiles.
• I'm thankful for my mother who taught me to do everything.
• I'm thankful for my daddy who taught me about Jesus. He actually talked about Him....
• Jesus. Why are you so cool?  Really.  "Love your enemies" You make it sound so simple.  
• I wish my head didn't hurt.
• I wish Eve didn't eat that apple or banana or whatever it was....
• I'm glad I'm a girl....even if it's hard sometimes.
• Husband and I are gonna have some damn cute babies.  That's a smile worthy note right there.
• Oh My Word!  I hope I don't screw up my kids! Note to self: Write down all the wisdom of parenthood that you know now because it'll all go through the window when the kids come and you'll need to remind yourself that you knew how to do this once....You won't believe it's you....but I'm telling you now, future Fel....that you were that brilliant.  
• I hate diseases. Diseases suck.  Stupid flu virus.
• Lee Blacky looks like a stuffed animal.  He's so cute.
• Under-wire is such a two faced fiend.  Holds the girls up but damn....must you stab me in the side like that!? Sheesh!
• Randy's confirmation. March 9th.  Remember that.
• *cough* 
• Expo.  Oh. Mein. Expo. Are my jeans clean?  I'll need jeans...
• Jeans...Genes....I wonder if I have red hair genes.  How do hair genes work anyway?  Black person with tough hair, with parents with tough hair probably only has tough hair genes but if you mix him/her with anything else, you get soft, delicious curls...every time.  Even if you mix them with someone else with straight hair...as long as it's not another black person....it'll be curly hair.  Does that really happen every time?  Is that a scientific fact?  I should google that.  (owwww. Head. Hurts.) maybe later.
• Excitement.  You adrenaline provoked emotion.  You are a tease.  Don't tease me when I am ill.
• "Leonard! I'm Sick!" ............. "Leonard! My comforter fell down and my sinuses hurt when I bend over!" "Leonard!"   (If you get this reference, we could be best friends!)
• Ha. I'm typing as fast as I can talk out loud.  I wish I could type as fast as I could think. Right now is a good time for that.  Thinking is slooooooooooooooooooooooooww. Haha.  That's funny. What's funny. Who's funny? or Whose funny? Who's.
• I'm hungry.

And there you have it folks.  Five minutes into my brain.  Maybe it was ten minutes.  But I just needed to write something.  Plus, it's interesting to see thoughts develop from nothing.  The human mind is a weird place and I do believe that is how it was designed to be.   A bunch of goo with no real compartments yet it has the capacity to dream and imagine.  What's in your imagination?  What do you daydream about?  Rainbows, Unicorns, a better world?

How I Sign Mi Name

Let's see if you 'ahndastan' what the poem is about...

HOW I SIGN MI NAME

By

James A. C. Elliot (1877-1961)

I’m a dashing young cutter, bote han’sum an’ strang,

     Wid no wan but myself fo suppote;

I de work inna bush now fo’ seben aers lang,

In de wildest ov t’icket remote,

Dough hardships I meet,

Dem hardships I greet,

Wit’ de mighty good-will ov a man;

For I fine in dis wo’l’ dat in spite of al’ wrang

We mus’ mek  life as bright as we kean.

Woodcutters, British Honduras (1930)

At de fus ov de aere inna Jan’werry mont’,

Just de time w’en de nort’ win’ de blow,

To de affice I gane wid me fren’ Janny Hunt,

Fe agree fo’ mi seben an’ fou’;

De smart affice man

Put pen inna mi han’,

An’ ‘e tell me fe write dong mi name;

Ses I, “Sah, I kean’t write-neber try an’ I  won’t;

You kean write it fo’ mi al’ de same.”

From me head to me foot de smart affice-man look;

An’ ‘e dress’ me like dis inna dix;

“Such a smart looking fellow can’t write in a book;

I believe you are playing some tricks.

No nonsense, young man,

Sign here, for you can,

And don’t stand there and look like a goat.”

Well, I den feel so shame dat de lang pen I took,

an'sa’, “Kose I kenn write,” an’ I wrote:

De affice-man look up ‘pan me wit’ supprise,

an’ ‘e smile w’en I geam back de pen:

“I mussy do,” tart I, “something cleber an’ wise.”

But ‘e bus’ out  a-lafing just den.

‘E hole ‘e two side,

An’ open quite wide

‘E wan mout’, an’ den ha! ha! away,

Up I stan’ dare an’ wander an’ open mi eyes,

Fo’ ‘e laf lakka jackass de bray.

W’en e’ stap ‘e hard laffing ‘e look inna mi face,

An’ ‘e tell me fe’ spellout mi name.

On de paper I look’, an’ I look’ inna space,

An’ I wander dah huddah fe’ blame,

As I neber quick answer de dixy leel man,

‘E delib’rately cal’ me a fool;

I den feel jus’ to geam de full wate ov mi han’;

But I ‘deavoured to keep myself cool;

Fo’ if I get hat,

Weddah rite ar not,

I would floor ‘im wid wan single lick.

An’ w’en adders cum in fe help, soon as dey lan’

I would sen’ dem right back wit’ a kick.

But I keep myself cool, an’ de affice-man said:

“What is this you have put in this book?

This mark looks like an ape or some other beast’s head

And the other mark looks like a hook.

Now, sir, look and see,

And quick answer me.

What the deuce were you trying to make?

Now if I were like you I would rather be dead

Than to make such a horrid mistake.”

Well, fo’ peace sake I swallah dat hebby abuse,

Fo’ I ‘tart to explain was de bes’.

I mek ans’er to ‘im de dix langwije I use’,

But now, sah, let me tell you befo’ dis ole des’,

Dot oy don’t know de XXX writing rule.

“Dot oy tole you befoh, still you fose me fe write,

An’ oy nebah lorn any in school;

But to ‘blige you I wrote, on’ you lof at de sight,

So oy tink you de bigger ole fole!”

I tell ‘im jus’ so,

An’ ‘e neber blown!

But ‘e stan’ dare an’ look inna mi face.

So I tell Janny Hunt fe comgo befo’ fight;

An’ we tu’n’ roun’ an’ lef de ole place.

I suppose dat some’ pepple t’ink cutter dah fool;

But de cutter no fool, dat I know.

Ebery man dah wan man inna ‘e place, dat’s the rule,

An’ de labah fe mek de wol’ go.

Den laf at no man,

But help al’ you kean,

Fo’ please membah we all gwine wan way.

Eberyt’ing in dis wo’l hab an’ en’, an’ de soul

Mus’ fly out ov de body wan day.